Atomic Habits

James Clear describes an atomic habit as, “A little habit that is part of a larger system. Just as atoms are the building blocks of molecules, atomic habits are the building blocks of remarkable results”.

This book is definitely worth adding to your reading list, it’s incredibly insightful and practical.  The author suggests that our daily choices, habits and systems all build into who we are becoming.  If we know who we wish to become, then we can build daily habits that reinforce and affirm that identity.  Clear asserts that “changes that seem small and unimportant at first will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years”.  The books premise is that our long-term success and who we become is a result of our daily choices and habits, and that we have what it takes to build and shape those habits.

A key question that he suggests for reviewing our current and future habits is, “Does this behavior help me become the type of person I wish to be?”  This is a powerful question and one that it would be helpful to ask ourselves often.

Clear unpacks four laws of behaviour change that reinforce habit building and he shares the inversion of these for breaking bad habits.  I will let you read the book to discover what is behind each of these laws, let’s just say, I am paying much more attention to my environment these days in order to reinforce the habits that are shaping who I become.

The 1st  Law - Make it Obvious (cue)

The 2nd Law - Make it Attractive (craving)

The 3rd  Law - Make it Easy (response)

The 4th  Law - Make it Satisfying (reward)

A few highlights and takeaways from the book that I wish to remember include: -

•  The quality of our lives often depends on the quality of our habits.

• Surround yourself with people who have the habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together.  

• If you want to master a habit, the key is to start with repetition, not perfection.

• Prime your environment to make future actions easier. 

• Research has shown that people who track their progress on goals like losing weight, quitting smoking, and lowering blood pressure are all more likely to improve than those who don’t.

• One of the best ways to ensure your habits remain satisfying over the long-run is to pick behaviors that align with your personality and skills. Work hard on the things that come easy. 

• Habits are easier when they align with your natural abilities. Choose the habits that best suit you.  

• Reflection and review enable the long-term improvement of all habits because it makes you aware of your mistakes and helps you consider possible paths for improvement.   The secret to getting results that last is to never stop making improvements.

Enjoy reading Atomic Habits!

You're Not Listening

How would you rate your ability to listen? Or how would those dear to you rate your listening?  Most of us would quickly admit we have room to grow in this area.  Listening takes effort and intentionality which we often don’t give, yet we all crave to be deeply understood and known.  

Kate Murphy states, “An attentive listener changes the quality of the conversation.”  Imagine that!  You have the ability and power to change the quality of the conversations you are part of.

You’re Not Listening is the most helpful book I have read on this topic in a long while.  I appreciate the research supporting the writing and it is clear that the author has interviewed many people in the process of bringing depth and insight to the topic.

“Listening is fundamental to any successful relationship,” says Kate Murphy, and when we ponder this, we know it to be true.  Think about your relationships where quality listening is lacking. They are likely to be limited in their connection, depth and trust.  And while we understand the difference good listening makes, most of us are still not great at practicing this.  It seems that those who have developed their listening skills have much richer lives.

Each chapter of this book brings different perspectives and insights about what it takes to listen well.   While we can learn the outer techniques that look like we appear to be listening, it is our inner posture of curiosity, openness, wanting to receive and willingness to learn from others, that helps us to show up as a good listener.  Murphy writes, “Listening requires, more than anything, curiosity.”

The chapters on closeness-communication bias and confirmation and expectancy bias have some great food for thought.   Closeness communication bias was a new concept for me, and I can see it clearly in my own life.  We make assumptions about those we love, who are closest too us, and we don’t respond with the same curiosity. Murphy suggests that assumptions are earplugs.  Thinking we already know how a conversation will go, what the person thinks or how they will respond, kills curiosity and undermines listening.

There are many great insights about what gets in the way of us listening well, often related to our internal biases, self-talk, emotional state or social anxiety.  One new concept I learned was that of supporting verses shifting the conversation.  For most of us we relate with a shift response, which directs attention away from the speaker and back onto us.  Whereas, a support response, encourages elaboration from the speaker, where we ask curious questions to solicit more information and seek to truly understand.  How often are we guilty of shifting a conversation to ourselves and not mining the gold in what our friend or colleague is sharing?  Good listeners are all about the support response.  

This book contains many great insights. I recommend you go ahead and order it and start reading.

Remember - an attentive listener changes the quality of the conversation.  That can be you!

The HeART of Laser-Focused Coaching

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Marion Franklin has become my new coaching guru!  Her wisdom gleaned from many years of experience and masterful coaching are packed into the pages of this excellent book.  It’s a fabulous resource for both experienced coaches and those just starting out.  Marion has a refreshingly direct approach and is clear on what does and does not constitute coaching.  She has a strong emphasis on going deeper not broader and coaching the person, rather than their story or problem.

The book is packed with examples and concludes with the transcript of a full coaching conversation.  She encourages coaches to take a helicopter approach, to stay above the person’s story and to not get caught in the details.  The importance of taking a high-level view and observing the big picture also allows her to see themes.  She describes the 25 most common themes she has identified.

Marion shares that as she coaches, she keeps two questions in mind to deepen her listening and curiosity:

1) Why are they telling me this?

2) What’s making this a problem for this person?

These questions guide her listening and the follow-up questions that she asks.

There is too much great content in this book to write all the highlights here, but I highly recommend you add this to your bookshelf, read it and practice implementing the powerful and practical coaching insights that Marion shares.

Thanks for the Feedback

Why is it that when we give feedback we so often feel right, yet when we receive feedback it so often feels wrong?  This is a great question posed by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their excellent book - ‘Thanks for the Feedback’.  Much is written around how to give feedback, but this book is all about how to receive feedback.

The authors define feedback as any information about yourself.  It can be formal or informal, solicited or unwanted, positive or negative, obvious or subtle, from a friend or your boss, verbal or non-verbal.  It could be the boss giving you feedback on your presentation or your teenage son screwing up his face in response to your suggestion.  These are all information that we can receive as feedback.

Many of us have an emotional response to feedback or instantly become defensive. Learning to pause, take stock, and ask, “What kind of feedback am I dealing with?” and “What is triggering my emotions?” will help us to process what we are receiving. 

The authors divide feedback into three categories: -

1. Appreciation – we feel seen, valued, acknowledged

2. Coaching – suggestions and tips to help us learn, grow or change

3. Evaluation - tells us where we stand, an assessment or ranking

Once we determine what kind of feedback we are receiving, there are three more categories to consider.   These help us to understand what the trigger behind our knee jerk reaction might be. Our emotional reaction could be because of a: -

• Truth Trigger – Where we believe the feedback is wrong, unfair or unhelpful.

• Relationship trigger - I can’t hear this feedback from you! Feedback is coloured by the relationship between the giver and receiver.

• Identity trigger – Our identity, a sense of who we are, has come undone. We feel threatened, overwhelmed, ashamed or off-balance.

I have found this very helpful - to identify what type of feedback I am receiving and what my own internal trigger might be.   Once we have a clearer picture of this, then we are ready to pause and ask a few good questions for reflection and personal growth.  These questions might include: -

Seeking clarity, to understand: -

• Can you give me an example of that?

• Please describe what you mean by that?

• What could I do that would help me improve?

Asking yourself: -

• What’s right? – What makes sense about what they are saying?  How might this be helpful?

• How do we see this differently?  What’s different about the information we are looking at?  What’s different about our interpretation?  What makes us see this differently?

• Moving Forward – What’s one thing I could work on?  What options do we have for moving forward?

If we all got better at receiving feedback, we would be much easier to work with and live with!  Our relationships would be richer, and we would see feedback as an opportunity for growth.  I recommend that you add this book to your reading list for your own personal growth when it comes to receiving feedback.

The Coaching Habit

Perhaps you are someone who has experienced the power of coaching and now you would like to use coaching skills in your leadership. But you don’t have the time to invest in an extensive coach training program. After all you love your job and you just want to add the skills, not actually become a certified coach.

If this sounds like you, then I recommend you read ‘The Coaching Habit’ by Michael Bungay Stanier. It is an easy read that will help you make coaching a daily informal part of how you lead, in order to unlock the potential of others. There are 7 chapters that outline 7 essential coaching questions. These questions have the potential to transform your interactions with your staff and team. He also throws in some other valuable coaching tips and focuses on how to build these new learning’s into habits.

If I share anymore here I will give away the content of the book! It doesn’t take long to read but it will change the way you lead. Do add it to your pandemic reading list.

(click on the blog title to comment - I would love to hear your thoughts on this book)