I love the work of Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman! They are world-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists who have studied and researched thousands of couples. ‘Fight Right’ is a book for every couple to have in their collection. In fact it is not just for couples, but it applies to every relationship! Conflict is part of life for all of us.
The Gottmans cover common mistakes people make in conflict, conflict styles, myths about conflict, how to fight well and much more! While this book is rich in insights, five big takeaways stand out for me: -
1. Solvable versus Perpetual Fights - I found this distinction so helpful. Solvable fights are the ones that have some kind of solution. Perpetual fights are the issues that don’t go away. And 69 percent of problems are perpetual, not solvable!
Perpetual issues tap into the deeper differences between people. For example, one person is an introvert and values quiet space, the other is an extrovert and is often keen to include other people. These are differences in how we are wired: personalities, priorities, values, and beliefs. While these issues are not solvable they can be constantly negotiated.
The authors comment that, ”Most of our conflicts will never be fully resolved and that’s okay”.
2. Bids for Connection – The Gottman’s describe a “bid for connection” as anything you do or your partner does to try to get the other person’s attention and connection with them. It could be a comment or a gesture - subtle or overt. These are the small, fleeting moments throughout the day, minor interactions that can be easy to miss if you’re busy or stressed.
They go onto describe three possible ways we can choose to respond to a bid for connection. Either, turn toward and respond positively, turn away and ignore the bid, or turn against and respond negatively or harshly.
Not surprisingly, their research shows that couples who stayed happy and stable had turned toward each other’s bids for connection 86 percent of the time. How easy it is to miss the importance of these small daily interactions.
The authors conclude, “Bids for connection, not only do they keep us connected, but they build trust. And in conflict, we are always asking, Can I trust you?”
3. Successful Start to a Fight - XYZ Formula – Research on couples, and successful political negotiators, show the use of the same successful approach to conflict. It is this formula:
X - I feel X (emotion) – Talk about yourself not the other person.
Y – The problem is Y (situation / problem) – Share factually and neutrally without assigning blame.
Z - I need Z (your positive need) - In order for the situation to get better
I love that this formula doesn’t use ‘you’ and allows you to bring up the issue without blame, criticism or contempt.
4. Start Softly - 180 Seconds – The Gottman research shows that that first 180 seconds, just 3 minutes, sets the tone and trajectory of the conversation. How you begin makes an enormous difference! Using the XYZ formula to start softly is a key to a successful conflict conversation.
5. 5:1 Magic Ratio – A ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction is another key for couples (or people ) to be successful in conflict. For example, comments like, “That makes sense when you put it that way.” “That’s a good point.” “I’m sorry I said that, let me try again.” In the heat of the moment, affirmations and repair attempts are also crucial for setting the tone of the conversation.
So friends, do add this book to your reading list to help you learn how to improve the way you handle conflict! Dealing with hard conversations is a part of life and leadership and definitely an area most of us can grow in.