Why does Connection Matter so Much?

Henry Cloud's book Boundaries for Leaders continues to provide much food for thought.  A few quotes from the chapter 'Power Through Connection'.

Why does connection matter so much in performance?  And how can leaders create it and enhance it?

Our brains need positive relationship to grow and function well.

Creating an environment that allows for vulnerability and high levels of trust builds connection.

To connect with you, I need to be aware of you and what you are dealing with, and you with me.

When people feel like they are out of the loop, the seeds of disconnection are sown. 

Create a climate where problems and issues get shared and solved through the team's engagement with one another.

When people can go into the hard stuff and begin to talk about what they are experiencing, the power of relationships to transform those states of fear into courage, or anger into resolution, is a truly wonderful thing.

In good relationships, where the connections are deep and trusting, long-lasting damage doesn't have to be a side effect of honesty and conflict.  Misunderstandings are short-term, feelings aren't hurt, and even when the situation needs to get fixed, apologies, humility, and humor come swiftly and easily. 

Before you try to move people to your position,make sure they feel that you understand where they are coming from, what they are feeling, and what they are dealing with.

Questions to Ask: In what ways are your team and organization showing disconnection?  What kind of meetings do you currently have?  Do they foster connection?

Moods and Emotions are Contagious

A few very helpful thoughts (quoted directly) from 'Boundaries for Leaders' by Dr Henry Cloud, from his chapter 'The emotional climate that makes brains perform'.

The cold, hard scientific facts are that your people think better when they are not stressed, afraid, or depressed.  Yet many leaders do not put a lot of thought into creating a positive emotional climate for their people, and sometimes they create the exact opposite.

Mood research in scientific studies has shown that moods and emotions, both positive and negative, are "contagious." We "pass on" good or bad feelings and "infect" others' well-being.

So ask yourself: What kind of mood and energy am I fostering when I enter a room?  When I give feedback?  When I make a request?  When I make a correction?  When I communicate agenda and set performance targets?  Further, what kinds of experiences am I building into my teams, reporting relationships, culture, and climate that make sure that there are positive chemicals flowing through the brains of my people?

So how do you create positive emotional climates and avoid negative ones?  Begin with paying attention to your own emotions and then developing a healthy emotional climate with your teams and in your culture.

Question to Ask: What kind of emotional tone do your team and culture have now?  What creates that tone, either positive or negative, and what can you do to make it better?

Diversity Raises the Intelligence of Groups

Reading on a train, traveling to a two day meeting, I came across the statement that 'diversity raises the intelligence of groups'.  Eight people representing six different nationalities were present at our meeting.  With a mix of males and females, varied cultural backgrounds and diverse life experiences, we indeed had much diversity represented in our small group. 

Did it raise the intelligence of our group?  I believe so!  We had rich and profitable discussions and I left the meeting encouraged that we had made great progress and good decisions.

It is tempting to surround ourselves with like minded people who understand and agree with our way of thinking, but this may miss the higher level of thinking that comes from diversity.  Working in a diverse group does require a little more energy and thoughtfulness as you seek to understand one another, but the benefits are worth it.

Thought to ponder: How diverse is the team you choose to work with?

Do your staff know you care?

Recently I sent a text to a friend asking how her husband was doing in a very stressful work situation.  Moments later she phoned in tears and thanked me for caring.  She was upset that the organisation he worked for didn’t seem to care about him as a person, or the effect on their family, of the difficult work pressure he was under.  As an Asian, working in an Asian organisation, she expected more.

The same week another friend lamented about her supervisor and the lack of engagement and caring that she had hoped she could expect in her new work environment.  As an American, working for an American organisation, she expected more.

Know the condition of your flock is the first principle in the management book ‘The Way of the Shepherd’ (Leman & Pentak).  Not just knowing the status of their work, but knowing your people personally and genuinely caring about them.  

This principle seems so simple, it’s not rocket science, and yet for both of my friends, from different cultures, working in different contexts, they are yearning for this missing aspect.  They want to feel cared for as individuals, to be known as real people with genuine needs.

So how do you really engage with the people working for you and with you?  The answer – ask lots of questions.  Ask open questions, sincere questions, and then listen well to the answers.  People will know how much you care by the questions you ask and quality of your listening.  And then follow-up, ask again in a few days about the family matter they shared, or the concern they are facing at home.  Be intentional about engaging with your staff, not only on work matters, but as people and individuals with lives that go beyond the work hours.  

Question to ponder: How would your staff currently describe your level of care?

Growing & Changing in Community

“Should I invest money in life coaching or put it towards new clothes?”  The person who asked me this question had just finished describing their need to overcome a longstanding and destructive personal habit.

While it’s always tempting to add to our wardrobe, a new look on the outside will never bring inner growth and desired change.  We often misunderstand how growth and heart transformation take place.  We think that perhaps with more discipline and stronger will power, we can do this on our own.  Sometimes that does work!  But there is a healthier, God-designed way to grow and change.

Earlier this week I was watching a documentary on ‘Breaking the Food Seduction’ and the doctor mentioned as a throw-away comment that it is not possible to change our eating habits on our own.  A little bit of group support makes the difference between success and failure.  A group that meets regularly and shares successes, stories, and challenges, will change their eating habits and their lives!

Some years ago I read the book ‘How People Grow’ by Dr’s Townsend and Cloud.  The overwhelming thought that I came away with is that God designed us to grow in community – with loving supportive and accountable relationships.  God never intended that we run this journey of life on our own, yet we have somehow perfected it through two of our values – individualism and self-help!

One of the things I love about coaching is that it enables people to grow and change in a supportive, safe, loving, accountable relationship.  The coach works with you and wants the best for you.  To this end, he or she will challenge you and ask you difficult and maybe uncomfortable questions. 

Even good friends don’t always hold each other accountable.   Maybe you have friends with whom you can be transparent and who may be willing to ask you ‘What progress did you make on breaking that habit?’  Why not give them permission to ask?  Let’s stop trying to change and grow on our own.  Find someone, whether it is a life coach, a friend, or a mentor, to journey with you.  Let’s not stay stuck on the inside while sporting our new wardrobe on the outside!